Choose to trust your instincts!

Have you ever wondered why we second guess ourselves sometimes when we know we should folllow our hearts?  So many times I’ve known in my heart that I should make a decision one way or the other and ended up not trusting my own self.  This is where I find myself making the wrong choices and knowing in the end I should have trusted my own instincts.  I believe God gave us the ability to make decisions from that feeling inside that leads us into daily life and choices. I know personally trusting  myself is so very crucial in this life.  We are faced daily with so many choices if we don’t decide to believe in ourselves we are not really being true to ourselves.  Being true to oneself is so important – no matter how bad you want to please everyone else, you must take care of you first.  Yes, sometimes that means being assertive and looking out for your best interest; ultimately, as hard as it is to accept sometimes, taking care of yourself first is the best thing you can do for yourself and everyone around you.

So next time I’m faced with a tough decision. as little or as big as simply putting these words down in my blog, I know I must follow my heart and do what’s best for me.  It’s really easy to get caught up in following everyone else’s lead in life but you yourself are the only one who truly knows what’s best for you.  Everyone will have their opinion, and trust me, I know how easy it is sometimes to take the advice of others.  At the end of the day you are in control and I am in control of the outcome of our own lives.  We each have a seperate journey and doing the best we can to be the best we can be is probably the greatest gift to ourselves.

I also feel taking time to be patient with our decisions and feel confident in the direction we want our lives to go is so important.  Great things don’t always happen over night but with patience, trust, and persistancy we can choose our destinies.

God Bless!

Heidi

 

Stay the Course!

Now comes the next part of the journey.  It’s easy to see how much we need God and each other when we’re in the midst of a hard time.  We call out, we get the help we need,  we’re in a better place than we’ve been for a long time, and…

Perhaps this place is the most critical place of healing. We’re no longer where we used to be, but we are not where we want to be.  For me, things are better right now, today, than I could’ve ever hoped for considering where I’ve been the past few years and still, I am somewhat overcome by the fact that I’m okay.  Really. So then I have to ask myself, why do I feel the way I feel.  I’m so ready to move on in my life – to recapture all that’s been lost to me.  And yet, the past few days I’ve felt strangely lost.

Man! What’s going on with that?  I finally had to come to the realization that, for the first time in possibly years, I am fully cognizant of my mind, body and emotions; no dulling, no false drug reality to numb me from myself.  Thankfully, with somewhat a terrifying truth, I am now fully in my present self.  I’m okay.  I get to choose my tomorrow.  What I will be is now totally up to…me.

I continue in my mindfulness and my gratitude to God and those who have stood with me to complete the journey back to whole health.  More and more each day as I take this walk with all of you who are watching, I know that now, more than ever before, it is imperative for me to stay the course and keep walking the day by day, step by step pathway to my better life.  Again, I am so thankful and humbled by the great gift of having the opportunity to walk this walk!

God Bless!

Heidi

Mind power!

Do you ever wake up and get overwhelmed, not sure why you’re anxious, but your mind gets to going and before you know it you’re stressed for no reason?  I’ll be the first to admit this happens to me and that’s when I must kick the mindfulness into high gear!  So many things have been worked out for me but still that habit of being afraid sometimes kicks in and I have to really start the positive affirmations.  Reminding myself over and over again of all the blessings I have and that everything is ok.  I guess for me the fear of the unknown is what gets me.

It’s that open space of how am I going to get there or what do I need to do next to accomplish my goals.  I’m such a thinker that at times I think myself into a frenzy.  That’s where I have to remind myself to take the day for the day, one step at a time.  Believe me, I know how difficult this is and it’s easy to either think too much about the past or think too much into the future.  One thing I’ve had to really train my mind to do is be in the present moment and not let my run-away thoughts take over.

Being in control of our minds is a good place to start.  There’s a conscious effort that goes into keeping oneself calm and staying in the moment.  If it means you have to say “I’m ok here and now – there’s nothing to be afraid of, I’m safe and everything is going to be ok”.  Do it!  I was feeling pretty overwhelmed this morning as I keep having to take the next steps for my life to be healthy and full.  A thousand questions were bombarding me – how, what, where…?   I had to say, “STOP!”,  I jumped in the shower and instead started going over everything that’s good in my life and yet again all that I’m grateful for.  Yes, I have things I can be stressed about if I let myself go there, but as I’ve said before “worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but gets you no where!“.  So I’m back to feeling ok and ready to take on another day!

I had a wonderful thanksgiving, got to talk to my daughter who was at her Grandmas having a great time.  Hearing “I love you mom” is the best thing in the world.  It keeps me going and makes me know everything I’m working for now will be so worth it to make my daughter and my life the best life we could ever ask for.

I hope everyone had an amazing Thanksgiving and truly enjoyed all the blessings in your lives!

God Bless!

Heidi

 

Thankful!

Today I thought I would begin my day with gratitude for all that I’m thankful for.  There are so many things to list, number one being that I’m alive to enjoy another day!  I’m thankful for my beautiful angel Kaitlyn and her love that helps me get up day after day and never give up.  I’m thankful I have a roof over my head and heat in my home.  I’m thankful for my family who never gave up on me and loves me despite my faults.  I am so blessed and, although my days aren’t always easy, I know God has my back and this year is going to be the best ever!

I send my prayers to all of you and I hope you have a blessed and beautiful Thanksgiving.

God bless!

Heidi

Just around the corner!

Good morning!  Isn’t it amazing how just when you think you have no idea how things can work out somehow all the pieces fit together and they do?!I guess that’s the beautiful thing about life.  We never really know exactly what’s around the corner for us in this world.  I know one thing, though, when you do the right things with integrity and never stop believing things do end up working out.  It’s these times when I truly know the man upstairs is looking out for me.  I am a big believer in faith and prayers and the best part of believing for me is when I get to see my prayers answered and things work out better than I could have anticipated.  I don’t think we always know what’s best for us and sometimes we might not understand why things don’t go our way – I do believe God knows what’s best and we have to trust when things go differently than we thought they should, that they are meant to be.

Yet again my faith is restored and the puzzle pieces are continuing to align.  The other part of it is being patient enough to allow them to align.  God doesn’t work on our time frame – I’ve had to learn this lesson many times.  We have to learn to patiently understand that while maybe things look like there is no movement, God is working for our better interest all the time.

So, with that being said I am so thankful today for the new life I’m venturing on.  I know that I am ok and day by day as I continue to feel more like myself again, an even better self, my life is growing to be the best life I could dream of.  I’m learning to love again and trust in this life and truly starting to feel happiness.  Being content in who I am and where I’m going is the best feeling ever.  I feel like my life is just finally beginning and I’m so blessed to get yet another chance to shine.

Never stop believing in the power of God and the power of prayer as I can tell you, your prayers will be answered, perhaps not always the way you think they should, but always in a way that’s best for you! You just have to be patient.

God Bless

Heidi

Reach out your hand!

We’ve all been through different events in our lives that weren’t exactly what we expected or thought the outcome would be.  If you’ve lived at all you can agree that life is not always easy and sometimes it can beat you down!  whether you’ve been through a hard divorce, lost a loved one, had regrets, whatever the incident may be, it’s what you do with those situations that really defines your strength of character.  That’s why as my new friend Laura put it, it’s important to “Walk gently in other peoples lives”.  We don’t always know what happened to another person or where they have been in the struggle of things.  It’s important to be companionate to others as you’ve never walked in their shoes.

That’s why I’m so passionate about not judging other people – obviously, we must judge actions and choose whether an action is right or wrong – that is not the same as judging the whole person.  Who is anyone to judge another person?  We are supposed to be there for others to help them get up off the ground not shove them down again.  It’s easy to get caught up in who we think another person may be or look at them and judge without knowing the crosses they may have had to bear.  Trust me, I’ve been judged for so many reasons and until recently most people had no idea what I’d been through. I, too have judged other people in the past.

I guess that’s where knowing who you are and not caring what others think is so important.  Yes, we all want to be accepted and it sucks to be judged, but does it really matter in the end anyway if someone judges you wrongfully?  I personally don’t want anyone in my life who doesn’t have compassion for me and decides to label me without knowing who I am for real.  Usually it seems the people who judge others most harshly have more skeletons in their closet anyway and they are obviously so unhappy with themselves they have to point the finger – a place I never want to be again!

I’ve met some of the most incredible people in some of the hardest places in their lives.  To me, it’s humbling to really get to know someone and hear their struggles and realize we are not alone in this journey called life.  Everyone has their own struggles and if we all reach out a hand to encourage or help someone else the world would be a much better place!

With the Holiday’s approaching this is a very difficult time for many people.  I encourage you to step outside yourself and do something nice for someone just because.  Many people may not talk about it, but the Holidays are tough for them and really take a toll on their lives.  Yesterday my mom ordered fire wood to be delivered to her house from the sweetest little family.  The mom and dad both work other jobs but they need extra money for Christmas so they’re cutting and selling firewood on the weekends.  They all came out and helped stack the wood as a family.   It was so sweet watching the two little girls help their dad and mom stack the wood and I couldn’t help but think about what a blessing this is.  My mom put an extra tip on top of the total bill to let them know how much she appreciated them and I was so happy to see her do this.  What an awesome little family they were and how cute it was to watch them work together to make a little extra money for their Christmas.  It’s moments like this that I thank God for all the blessings in my life.

I hope you have a happy Monday!

God Bless

Heidi

 

 

Power of healing!

I am so excited to, day by day, begin feeling more and more like myself.  Healing is such an interesting and slow journey, but when you finally start getting there it’s pretty amazing! I am so happy to begin waking up feeling excited about the days and in a good mood – like my old self before my life turned so chaotic.  I’ve begun waking up excited to go for a walk and get moving, thanking God for all the blessings in my life.  Every morning these are the things I do first and it really is a great way to start the day.

As far as the healing part goes I am so happy that I can finally say  I  am waking up calm and ok with life.  For so long I would either not sleep or I’d wake up in a “panic”, feeling anxious and defeated.  Now I’m sleeping good again and waking up with a smile on my face like the girl I  used to be.  I think a lot of this has to do with my brain finally getting the rest it needed to heal and also the fact that I now feel safe and stable.

When your life is disrupted with  changes, bad or good, it takes a toll on your body.  I’ve been through so many changes the last few years that this is the first time I feel I’m, as my Step Dad puts it, “Flat and Stable”.  for the past few years,  I’ve never felt safe and I lived in constant fear of the next “bomb” to hit my life – it’s like I was living in the fight or flight mode all the time. This is a horrible way to live and  I used to live like this all the time.  I believe living in fear is one of the most dangerous lifestyles a person can ever live for overall well being.  It causes so much stress on your body I really believe it’s worse than any amount of drugs and alcohol.

With that being said, I know it’s hard to see the good when the bills are coming in, life is taking a toll on you and you’re just trying to make it.  That’s where the MINDFULNESS comes into play.  Training oneself to search out and  believe the best outcome no matter what the situation looks like and not allowing your mind to be defeated is not an easy task!  To manifest good things you have to truly believe good things are possible.  If I wake up and fall to the fear and regret of the past It will literally kill me.  To truly heal I have to keep the past behind me, learn from it, yes, but not dwell on the regrets – I must discipline myself to dwell on the good things and where I’m heading in future.  Life is ever changing and I do believe with the faith in yourself and God you can have whatever outcome you want!

Have a wonderful day!

God Bless

Heidi

 

Define Yourself!

So it occurred to me last night that most of the things I’ve accomplished in my life up until now were mostly to prove to someone else I was capable of big things.  It wasn’t until recently I decided to define who I am as me and not set out to prove something to anyone else.  Yes, it was great motivation in the past to say “watch me do this”, but now I feel like my purpose is much greater.  Finally, I don’t care what anyone else thinks – I’m doing what I feel I need to do for me now.  I have nothing to prove to anyone and, as my brother Sam always told me, “Heidi you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone”.  I never truly understood what he meant by this until now.   What a great statement and the truth!

As I’ve reflected on the things I’ve done in my life leading up to this moment, it seems I did the majority of  them to try and please other people or show that I could do or be anything I set my mind to, but not truly wanting to do those things for myself.  When I got divorced I bought two houses, got the career and really set out to show my ex husband I was somebody.  I can’t tell you how hard it was to maintain that façade and the stress that put on my life .  It was fake. I was pretending that I had it all figured out when really I was lying to myself.  There was no reason to put myself in so much debt and try to keep up with the Jones, so to speak, but I felt it was what I had to do to prove I was ok on my own.  Yes, the motivation of proving I was ok and could do it all was great, but the repercussions of it where so damaging! Keeping up with two mortgages, a huge car payment and everything else for Kaitlyn and I was too much.

I am at a place in my life now where being average is just fine with me, especially if it’s real! I have become so much more humble now and thankful for every little thing I have.  I love that I am so ok with who I am now that, hey, I’m willing to spill my dirty laundry and admit I was wrong because the things that happened to me were real and made me a stronger, and hopefully, wiser person today.  That’s the beautiful thing about being honest with yourself – you have nothing to hide.  I personally feel until I stopped pretending and was honest, especially with myself, and then to others – I could not  truly be real.  As I quoted in my High School year book “Real Works” – Isn’t this so straight to the point?  And yet, somewhere along the way, I lost that refreshing simplicity! Anyone who runs around acting like life is butterflies and roses all the time is, well,  full of it.

I remember being so good at the game face that I had no idea who I really was or what I stood for.  Now I can tell you I know exactly what I stand for and who I am – what I’ve accomplished in my life doesn’t define who I am as a person.  Hard times and the struggle of getting back on my feet is what makes me who I am.  Yes, I’ve been down to the bottom of the bottom and I’ve been at the top of the top.  I can tell you for me personally, right now,  I’m happy with right in the middle, like the yin and yang, the balance of life.  I’m content and that’s ok with me!

I want all of you to know Its ok to be content and be happy just being you.  What a beautiful thing to be able to say you are happy with yourself and truly be in a place of truth.   My new saying is I answer to myself and God and I’m ok with that.

Have a blessed and amazing Saturday!

God Bless

Heidi

 

 

Holiday Happy!

Good morning!  Wow, how beautiful it is here in Virginia! I went for a five mile walk this morning with my mom down to get a vanilla latte and am feeling so blessed.  We were talking about Christmas and our plans to go see my little angel Kaitlyn soon and I’m so excited.  How amazing it is that I am going to be able to travel back and forth to see my daughter and enjoy the holidays with her!  God is so good to me!  Until today I’ve really been dreading the holidays not knowing when I was ever going to be able to make it back to Colorado and now I am excited.

So I know the Holiday’s can either make you really happy or feel sad depending on your situation.  In the past, every time I saw Christmas stuff it would make me feel bad because things were so screwed up or like now,  I’m so far away.  But today I’m looking at it differently as I really do think there is so much more to Thanksgiving and Christmas than the presents and amount of money spent.  It’s about really being thankful for the blessings in your life as  little or big as they may be.  I personally am so thankful that my daughter is happy and healthy and that I am alive to go see her and be the best mommy I’ve ever been.  I believe I’m better now than I’ve ever been for her because of the personal healing in my life.

This Holiday Season, I’ve decided that  instead of looking at what I might not have or how others have it better, I’m going to be thankful that I’m blessed with the ability to just enjoy the days.  It’s so nice for me to be with my mom and her  husband and then be able to extend Christmas to spend with Kaitlyn.  I hope and pray you all can make the best of whatever situation you have going on and really make it a memory to last!

God Bless!
Heidi

http://www.HoldHeidisHand.com

 

 

 

The importance of rest!

One of the major things missing the last few years of my life was rest.  I’ve always been a Go-Getter and I always struggled with being able to really rest and not just always be on the move.  I feel like this has been a great attribute to who I am but it’s also been a detriment to my over all well being.  I’m not very good at just sitting around as I’m always wanting to take on new projects and get moving.  When I first got hurt I believe this is one of the reasons I had such a hard road healing because I wouldn’t take the time to be still.

To this day, I still wake up feeling like I want to conquer the world; even when I know I need to take a step back and let myself rest, it’s a very hard thing for me to do.  I’ve just recently been learning how to handle just taking things slow and allowing the healing that needs to take place to go on.  I really feel like if I would’ve decided to take care of me and not go so hard I would have been able to avoid many negative things that came my way.

Finding that balance I believe is key.  I’m still trying to find my personal balance on a daily basis.  I remember last year when I was put into the hospital with terrible migraines and post traumatic stress, I was so beat down.  They were pushing for me to take all these meds and I kept saying to the doctors If I could also get the rest I needed I believed time would help heal me.  I stand firm in my belief that after a major traumatic event rest, time, and nurturing back to being ok is the best remedy.  The doctors told me that I will have Post Traumatic Stress for the rest of my life and it’s never going to go away.  I was so upset I couldn’t imagine feeling that way forever.  At the time I felt like a shaken, beaten dog who just needed someone’s hand to help me get up and comfort me.

The good news is that despite the diagnosis, there is more to the story and I’m not where I used to be! There is something so amazing about love, hope, rest and overall peace and, of course, I believe God is the best healer of all!  You don’t just go pick up a “refugee” dog at the dog pound and expect them to be warm and cuddly.  It takes time and earning their trust.  In the past, I’ve been so shaken after everything that’s happened to me I would jump at the sound of a door opening; being caught off guard still sends my heart racing!  I’m much better now, thank God, but at the time,  it didn’t seem like there was much worse than having all of these things going on and not being able to sleep.  I can’t express to you how torturous it was for me to, not only be so traumatized, but to not be able to sleep on top of everything else.  I would go days and days without sleep, struggling to fall asleep, praying and praying that  I could just get at least one or two  hours of sleep.  Day after day the sun would rise and fall and I found myself totally sleep deprived.

It wasn’t until I came to Virginia that I truly began to rest and begin the healing process that my body and mind so desperately needed.  I can’t express to you how thankful I am to be able to just enjoy simple things in life now like spending the day with my family.  The thing most people don’t understand is one of the “symptoms” of  PTSD, for me anyway, is that my mind gets over-stimulated and I  feel like I’m going to have a heart attack.  There was a time I couldn’t even go into the store without feeling totally overwhelmed.  Last year I couldn’t spend more than a few hours with friends without my body feeling like it was going to collapse.  My throat would start closing and I felt like I couldn’t breath.   I am so blessed to finally have gotten the rest and time needed to heal and be able to go on with life like a normal person.   For me, the frustration that came with not understanding why I couldn’t just live like I used to has been very heart breaking.  I wanted so badly to just feel like my old self, but the trauma has been built up in me for a long time and sometimes my body still feels totally shaken.

So last night I was laying in bed saying my prayers and thanking God that I’m finally able to rest again and begin living my life as I once did.  I can go through days and days without migraines now and go out and about like I used to without these terrible things happening to me.   I am so grateful for the love that my friends and family have shown me and for God taking me out of my restless state of fear and chaos that was ruining my life.  Sometimes you have to be completely taken out of the spot you’re in to be able to truly heal and not keep taking five steps forward and ten steps back.  This is exactly what was happening to me, just as I’d be on the up and up about to hit that place of being ok, I’d fall back down.

Now the uphill climb is here and for the first time I know there will be no more rolling down the hill only to get back up and climb to the same spot I got to the last time.  I’m ready to get to the top of the mountain and look down with amazement that I finally made it!

Thank you, God, for giving me the ability to go on in a healthy, happy way without these issues that have hurt my life for so many years.

God Bless

Heidi