One of the major things missing the last few years of my life was rest. I’ve always been a Go-Getter and I always struggled with being able to really rest and not just always be on the move. I feel like this has been a great attribute to who I am but it’s also been a detriment to my over all well being. I’m not very good at just sitting around as I’m always wanting to take on new projects and get moving. When I first got hurt I believe this is one of the reasons I had such a hard road healing because I wouldn’t take the time to be still.
To this day, I still wake up feeling like I want to conquer the world; even when I know I need to take a step back and let myself rest, it’s a very hard thing for me to do. I’ve just recently been learning how to handle just taking things slow and allowing the healing that needs to take place to go on. I really feel like if I would’ve decided to take care of me and not go so hard I would have been able to avoid many negative things that came my way.
Finding that balance I believe is key. I’m still trying to find my personal balance on a daily basis. I remember last year when I was put into the hospital with terrible migraines and post traumatic stress, I was so beat down. They were pushing for me to take all these meds and I kept saying to the doctors If I could also get the rest I needed I believed time would help heal me. I stand firm in my belief that after a major traumatic event rest, time, and nurturing back to being ok is the best remedy. The doctors told me that I will have Post Traumatic Stress for the rest of my life and it’s never going to go away. I was so upset I couldn’t imagine feeling that way forever. At the time I felt like a shaken, beaten dog who just needed someone’s hand to help me get up and comfort me.
The good news is that despite the diagnosis, there is more to the story and I’m not where I used to be! There is something so amazing about love, hope, rest and overall peace and, of course, I believe God is the best healer of all! You don’t just go pick up a “refugee” dog at the dog pound and expect them to be warm and cuddly. It takes time and earning their trust. In the past, I’ve been so shaken after everything that’s happened to me I would jump at the sound of a door opening; being caught off guard still sends my heart racing! I’m much better now, thank God, but at the time, it didn’t seem like there was much worse than having all of these things going on and not being able to sleep. I can’t express to you how torturous it was for me to, not only be so traumatized, but to not be able to sleep on top of everything else. I would go days and days without sleep, struggling to fall asleep, praying and praying that I could just get at least one or two hours of sleep. Day after day the sun would rise and fall and I found myself totally sleep deprived.
It wasn’t until I came to Virginia that I truly began to rest and begin the healing process that my body and mind so desperately needed. I can’t express to you how thankful I am to be able to just enjoy simple things in life now like spending the day with my family. The thing most people don’t understand is one of the “symptoms” of PTSD, for me anyway, is that my mind gets over-stimulated and I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack. There was a time I couldn’t even go into the store without feeling totally overwhelmed. Last year I couldn’t spend more than a few hours with friends without my body feeling like it was going to collapse. My throat would start closing and I felt like I couldn’t breath. I am so blessed to finally have gotten the rest and time needed to heal and be able to go on with life like a normal person. For me, the frustration that came with not understanding why I couldn’t just live like I used to has been very heart breaking. I wanted so badly to just feel like my old self, but the trauma has been built up in me for a long time and sometimes my body still feels totally shaken.
So last night I was laying in bed saying my prayers and thanking God that I’m finally able to rest again and begin living my life as I once did. I can go through days and days without migraines now and go out and about like I used to without these terrible things happening to me. I am so grateful for the love that my friends and family have shown me and for God taking me out of my restless state of fear and chaos that was ruining my life. Sometimes you have to be completely taken out of the spot you’re in to be able to truly heal and not keep taking five steps forward and ten steps back. This is exactly what was happening to me, just as I’d be on the up and up about to hit that place of being ok, I’d fall back down.
Now the uphill climb is here and for the first time I know there will be no more rolling down the hill only to get back up and climb to the same spot I got to the last time. I’m ready to get to the top of the mountain and look down with amazement that I finally made it!
Thank you, God, for giving me the ability to go on in a healthy, happy way without these issues that have hurt my life for so many years.
God Bless
Heidi
holdheidishand 