So it occurred to me last night that most of the things I’ve accomplished in my life up until now were mostly to prove to someone else I was capable of big things. It wasn’t until recently I decided to define who I am as me and not set out to prove something to anyone else. Yes, it was great motivation in the past to say “watch me do this”, but now I feel like my purpose is much greater. Finally, I don’t care what anyone else thinks – I’m doing what I feel I need to do for me now. I have nothing to prove to anyone and, as my brother Sam always told me, “Heidi you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone”. I never truly understood what he meant by this until now. What a great statement and the truth!
As I’ve reflected on the things I’ve done in my life leading up to this moment, it seems I did the majority of them to try and please other people or show that I could do or be anything I set my mind to, but not truly wanting to do those things for myself. When I got divorced I bought two houses, got the career and really set out to show my ex husband I was somebody. I can’t tell you how hard it was to maintain that façade and the stress that put on my life . It was fake. I was pretending that I had it all figured out when really I was lying to myself. There was no reason to put myself in so much debt and try to keep up with the Jones, so to speak, but I felt it was what I had to do to prove I was ok on my own. Yes, the motivation of proving I was ok and could do it all was great, but the repercussions of it where so damaging! Keeping up with two mortgages, a huge car payment and everything else for Kaitlyn and I was too much.
I am at a place in my life now where being average is just fine with me, especially if it’s real! I have become so much more humble now and thankful for every little thing I have. I love that I am so ok with who I am now that, hey, I’m willing to spill my dirty laundry and admit I was wrong because the things that happened to me were real and made me a stronger, and hopefully, wiser person today. That’s the beautiful thing about being honest with yourself – you have nothing to hide. I personally feel until I stopped pretending and was honest, especially with myself, and then to others – I could not truly be real. As I quoted in my High School year book “Real Works” – Isn’t this so straight to the point? And yet, somewhere along the way, I lost that refreshing simplicity! Anyone who runs around acting like life is butterflies and roses all the time is, well, full of it.
I remember being so good at the game face that I had no idea who I really was or what I stood for. Now I can tell you I know exactly what I stand for and who I am – what I’ve accomplished in my life doesn’t define who I am as a person. Hard times and the struggle of getting back on my feet is what makes me who I am. Yes, I’ve been down to the bottom of the bottom and I’ve been at the top of the top. I can tell you for me personally, right now, I’m happy with right in the middle, like the yin and yang, the balance of life. I’m content and that’s ok with me!
I want all of you to know Its ok to be content and be happy just being you. What a beautiful thing to be able to say you are happy with yourself and truly be in a place of truth. My new saying is I answer to myself and God and I’m ok with that.
Have a blessed and amazing Saturday!
God Bless
Heidi
holdheidishand 